Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Randomize
