Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
