take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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