I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
