I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
