You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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