I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
