omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
