What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
