Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
