I like to think it a success when the cops are called
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
