Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
