Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
