We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
