Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
