Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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