Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
