My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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