What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
