my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
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