WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
