So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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