In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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