Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
