After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
