and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
