Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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