I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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