I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I supernannyed him into submission
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
