I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
