I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
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My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
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Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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