Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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