Have you finally orgasmed yet?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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