My friends, they love my intelligence
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
