i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
