We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
