I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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