Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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