You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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