After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
