I just threw up on my dentist
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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