you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
