i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
being pregnant is like rehab
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
