I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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