Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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