know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
