someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Randomize
