This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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