i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
