just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
