My room smells like vodka and shame
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
