Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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