sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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