I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
