our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
