Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
The Olympian is in my bed
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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