can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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