I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
